So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
