I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
