I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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