a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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