PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
