I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
