I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
