U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
