we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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