It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
