She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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