i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
