i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize