But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
