Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
