I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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