haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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