i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Randomize
