I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
someone owes me an orgasm
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize