I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
i now understand why vodka
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
