theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
