My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
