I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize