Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
