I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
where are my eyebrows?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
