Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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