My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
