you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
