We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
if only i could text you this smell
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
