I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
