Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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