No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
she smelled like a LAN party
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
