I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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