the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
