Got a toothbrush?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
