Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
