We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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