I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
