3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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