Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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