Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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