Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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