Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
