You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm both gender and math confused
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
