I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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