You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
