I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Cover your peen. We're going out.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
