someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
