i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
