as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
