what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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