Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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