I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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