You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
