i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
no you cant smoke seaweed
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Are we still banned from the library?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
